My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I am who I am and that's who I am

As paint needs a canvass for its beauty to show, stars need darkness for their splendor to shine.

For those of you in the cheap seats I'd like ya to clap your hands to this one

True individuality is the repose arising from the relation of a self to all it has to do with. Bad individuality has in it a separation between outward action and a flat repose inwardly.

People wouldn't think of making avant-garde cuisine at home. When people play basketball at home, they can't play like Michael Jordan.

If the common man in the past had a grave respect for property, it may conceivably have been because he sometimes had some of his own.

I want to thank all my teammates who scored so many runs and Joe DiMaggio, who ran down so many of my mistakes.

A portion of the multitude must ever be coerced.

One day your heart will take you to your Lover. One day your soul will carry you to the Beloved. Don't get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.

I always make mistakes and I always fix things up, as best I can, in the cutting room.