My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Living like an empty shell is not really living, no matter how many years it might go on

That great artillery of God Almighty.

If you look good, you feel good, If you feel good, you play good, If you play good, they pay good.

Since I have spread my wings to purpose high, The more beneath my feet the clouds I see, The more I give the winds my pinions free, Spurning the earth and soaring to the sky.

We hope never to live in a Republic where one section is pinned to the other section by bayonets.

I was clasified as a 'Science Fiction' writer simply because I wrote about Schenectady.

Don't ever promise more than you can deliver, but always deliver more than you promise.

The collectability of music is something lost in the age of MP3s and album downloads. Holding an album in your hands and having the full-sized artwork reconnects the artist and the listener.

I've always been able to stay focused on trying to recruit good players and trying to develop those players.

The only enlightened masters I know are the people that I see every day and the people that I've seen through my life who have had the understanding, at some level, that we're here to express love.