My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

To live is to be haunted.

I have always wanted to leave the village and seek adventure. I long to be remembered for something, even if that something is merely the pursuit of my dreams.

Don't play any game if you don't understand the rules no matter how nice winners trophy looks like

Windows 10 could only have been a worse experience if I had paid for it!

There is nothing in the law of God that will rob you of happiness; it only denies you that which would cost you sorrow.

In Hollywood, you feel a responsibility to look less disheveled than you are. But I'm a mom, and I'm not good at putting time into prepping.

Be ready and willing to be a beginner every morning. That's how you grow and step into your greatness

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

Within the child lies the fate of the future.

Music is its own language - if you don't speak it, it's hard to say what you're trying to do.