My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If a child is poor in math but good at tennis, most people would hire a math tutor. I would rather hire a tennis coach.

[Hillary Clinton] are telling the enemy everything you want to do.

In a weird way, it's much easier, when I don't have to worry about being a writer, to just worry about the director job, which is really fun.

Gardening is the purest of human pleasures.

Radio is the most intimate and socially personal medium in the world.

In 1979, when I was 39, I had such a bad year, I thought it was all over. Thankfully it wasn't.

Your ideas come out of the way you conduct your life.

My life feels so surreal. That's why I've made a shtick of being me.

Some people never need to let up at all.

The more we know, the better we realize that our knowledge is a little island in the midst of an ocean of ignorance.