My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

A lack of common sense usually ends in some heroic feat, much like the soldier who dives onto the grenade so that others may live.

That's it, Uncle Huey!" Imogene Duckworthy whipped off her apron and flung it onto the slick, stainless steel counter. "I quit!" If only her voice didn’t sound so young.

Burdens become light when cheerfully borne.

ABC wouldn't be a player in the news major leagues until the 1970s, when Roone Arledge brought to ABC News the energy and programming approach he had applied to ABC Sports.

I couldn't do anything without faith. I couldn't open up my eyes, I couldn't walk, I couldn't speak, I couldn't sing.

People think of me in the same breath as Robert Redford and Robert De Niro.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something. It's our goal in life to find it and keep it.

Donald Trump is a good businessman. He knows how to put the deal together. And I think he'd be a - he'll be a very constructive figure in the White House.

I like ... what I characterize as more built-to-last ideas rather than built-to-flip ideas.