My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Words speak to the mind through the ears

Any fool can write a bad advertisement, but it takes a genius to keep his hands off a good one.

A couple of years after I arrived in Hollywood, everything that was Latino was fashionable, and years after, my thought is that we're not fashionable anymore. We're here to stay.

People who are intolerant, categorize and over-react... should all be dragged against a wall and shot.

Does he or she know you, like you, and trust you? Does he want to see you succeed? Does she want to help you find new business? If so, then you have yourself a 'Personal Walking Ambassador.'

He slowed down a bit more. "Gaia, how do you know these things?" She shrugged. "I'm smart." "And modest, too." "Modesty is a waste of time," she pronounced. "I'll keep that in mind.

No drama, however great, is entirely independent of the stage on which it is given.

It is that, but really, it's about how we don't recognise the little things in life, or appreciate the little things in life like belonging. A sense of belonging is a big thing today.

The world that surrounded me disgusted me so I chosen to invent one of my own.

Books. I'd probably spend all my time alone and lost in books if I could. It's easier that way.