My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

God sent his beloved creatures to Datça for them to live longer.

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended.

Every body continues in its state of rest or uniform motion in a straight line, except insofar as it doesn't.

We start with the perfect experience and then work backward. That's how we're going to continue to be successful.

You will never 'find' time for anything. If you want time, you must make it.

It is what it is, and it ain't nothin' else... Everything is clearly, openly, plainly delivered.

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights, it's about days very wrongly invested in a love affair.

I don't have a favourite book, I have hundreds.

You don't hear no artists from Compton showing vulnerability.

Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and smit thee.