My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Like the morning sun, you appeared in my cloudy sky and filled my world with light, love, beauty, and joy.

I wish that you fall in love with yourself. I can see the beautiful colours of your loving soul-which you are not able to appreciate.

If you want to find missing children put their photo's on Soda Cans, beer cans and cigarette packs and you'll increase the odds by millions some people are lactose in tolerate.

Death remains about the one certain fact in the lives of each one of us, and there will be suffering, sorrow, and sadness next week as there was last week.

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.

The most powerful concept in marketing is owning a word in the prospects mind.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

The trickster, the riddler, the keeper of balance, he of the many faces who finds life in death and who fears no evil; he who walks through doors.

What is learned out of hard work and trial is inevitably more powerful than what is learned easily.

We are all human and fall short of where we need to be. We must never stop trying to be the best we can be.