My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

At the end to death I must go, Finishing a real tragic and funny show.

After all, I don't see why I am always asking for private, individual, selfish miracles when every year there are miracles like white dogwood.

Mel Alexenberg offers a scintillating experiment in creativity. His work is an invitation to deepen your spiritual sensibilities as you extend your imagination.

If you do not give your children freedom, when they grow up, they will break away from the family, and then your hearts will be broken.

He who prorogues the honesty of today till to-morrow will probably prorogue his to-morrows to eternity.

Ideas that change business models and that can make money are the most threatening, outside actual religion.

I had started to wonder if maybe my life wouldn't always hold so much pain if I could just find the courage to let it go.

I didn't even know what I did in 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape'. I just went off with whatever I felt instinctually without a second thought.

Kids are more nimble than wise.

Some men never master anything other than the details of a job. Others master the main idea back of the job.