My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

The joy of writing.The power of preserving.Revenge of a mortal hand.

God sends the best to those who deserves it.

The sacred servant communicates the sacred words to the souls of the world.

Design Star' was incredible, and I didn't think it could get any better, and then 'Color Splash' happened.

My parents always felt if I worked hard enough I could make any dream come true.

Somewhere in that database my name sat in its own little niche, the name of a reject, undisciplined and worthless. Just the way I liked it.

Workers' rights should be a central focus of development.

I have superpowers when I have a glass of wine.

There's just something about Highbury that is difficult to describe. When you first arrive, you hardly see the stadium and wonder where it is but then you find it between two blocks of flats

How inexpressible is the meanness of being a hypocrite! how horrible is it to be a mischievous and malignant hypocrite.