My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

Millions of candles can be lighted from a single candle and the lifespan of that single candle will never be shortened! Feel free to share your success stories with every loved one out there

I had possessed her - and she never knew it.

If we would spend on education half the amount of money that we currently lavish on sports and entertainment, we could provide complete and free education for every student in this country.

I know how to prepare my head.

While I was an addict, I didn't write anything. I didn't have the attention span or the will.

In January 1944 I was called up by the Forced Labor Service, but I deserted on October 10, 1944.

It is blasphemous rebellion against God thatmarks the Antichrist as the final and logical expression of humanism.

To Grace, these were the things that mattered: my hands on her cheeks, my lips on her mouth. The fleeting touches that meant I loved her.

Hmm... well that would be good, but if you plan on adding that, better include the lanczos option (for good quality).

I hope she saw the passion, and no need to tell Mark Anthony about it.