My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Great Love goes with great forgiveness

Time and space have no meaning, just as your conscious thoughts are meaningless.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he'll tell you the truth

I'm tired of their plastic pony show.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

The pure power of a life can manifest as beatitude, or as an unspeakable, sheer violence...

The history of things that didn't happen has never been written.

But I always loved songs with great lyrics.

To envy is to draw circles that isolate us from others, to take small, bitter trips that diminish the traveler.

Good works are often spoiled by moving too quickly. . . . The good which God desires is accomplished almost by itself, without our even thinking of it.