My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.

Is it romantic or psychotic when I say I'll never let you leave me?

there is no sin punished more implacably by nature than the sin of resistance to change.

At the time of the pralaya (universal destruction) the oceans are to exceed their limits and seek to change, but a saintly man never changes.

Conscience allows us to do two things: Pass judgment on ourselves; approve or condemn our own conduct.

[N]othing is less reliable than unchecked claims from political officials that their secret conduct is justified by National Security Threats and the desire to Keep Us Safe.

The character of false wit is that of appearing to depend only upon reason.

Good homes are still the best source of good humans.

Three billion bases of DNA sequence can be put on a single compact disc and one will be able to pull a CD out of one's pocket and say, 'Here is a human being; it's me!'

The tyrant custom, most grave senators, Hath made the flinty and steel couch of war My thrice-driven bed of down.