My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Christmas, so joyfully celebrated within our hearts and within the hearts of countless others.

Listen to me." He grabbed my arms, holding me there. " I couldn't find you. And I will never forgive myself for that. Ever.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Happy the man who, like Ulysses, has made a fine voyage, or has won the Golden Fleece, and then returns, experienced and knowledgeable, to spend the rest of his life among his family!

You need not hang up the ivy branch over the wine that will sell.

I am awake a lot of nights.

I told you I was sick.

To cowards what advice shall I offer? - nothing whatsoever have I to say.

Everything is unpredictable once you are inside the ring.

To be thought rich is as good as to be rich.