My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

You must learn to take a step back and visualize the whole piece. If you focus only on the thread given to you, you lose sight of what it can become.

It was one thing to be fooled, and another thing to be taken for a fool all the time.

Be simple but think great to be great.

Slow down. Life is crossing the road.

When your passions and desires align you cannot hold them back.

God chose Memphis as the place that I will continue my career.

Everybody dies but not everybody lives.

Dishonesty is not the only alternative to honesty. There is also the highly underrated virtue of shutting up.

It was a great circumstance when I received the script of [Chloe] and Atom [Egoyan] said he wanted me to do it. I was inclined to say 'yes' immediately.

I'll go and see anything so long as it amuses me, or moves me. If it doesn't do either I want to go home.