My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Music not only saved my life, it gave me a life

All who hear are called. All who are called are able.

There are always a few who stand up in times of communal madness and have the courage to say that what unites us is greater than what divides us.

God will never violate His Word, but He doesn’t seem to mind violating our understanding of His Word.

Let the future say of our generation that we sent forth mighty currents of hope and that we worked together to heal the world.

Who can rest until the moment of action?

Writers are too self-centered to be lonely.

If you are going to ask yourself life-changing questions, be sure to do something with the answers.

Anytime you start getting a real tangible relationship with something that's been blown up to a legendary status, you just realize that every part of it is just people getting ahead.

My friend...care for your psyche...know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves