My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Where does a thought go when it's forgotten?

The only true thoughts are those which do not grasp their own meaning

When you come to life from a heart of service, you may be surprised by the blessings you will receive in return.

I wish I could turn back time, but I can't. I made a stupid decision because I thought I was invincible, and I'll pay for it the rest of my life.

A man in debt is so far a slave.

I woke up one morning, went downstairs, said 'Good morning' to my mother and nearly scared both of us to death.'

You can't tell your best buddy that you love him.

When you change from being a part of the problem to being a part of the solution, allow somebody that.

The best way to make money is not to have money as your primary goal. I've seen great people come into the business world primarily motivated to make money. Almost without exception they failed.

The way was long, the wind was cold, The Minstrel was infirm and old; His withered cheek, and tresses gray, Seemed to have know a better day.