My wife said to me 'I hope you win... but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don't think it makes up for never saying it when we're alone.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Always have a passion in your life.

Of course it's all right for librarians to smell of drink.

I don't think anyone wants to do the same thing over and over again.

Yet the Teaching is simple. Do what is right. Be pure. At the end of the way is freedom.

I read books. Avidly, ardently! As if my life depended upon it.

In most industries, technological change is happening at a rapid rate.

Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.

The saddest day of your life is when you decide to sell out, and nobody wants to buy.

Revolutions are celebrated when they are no longer dangerous.

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.