My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

There is only one thing which is generally safe from plagiarism -- self-denial.

As the economy is shifting, you need to have legitimate and creative sources of extra income. There are opportunities available that people have been using for years now.

[48] - 4Dispelling fear but knowledge be, Replacing our doubts completely, Nothing need be feared undoubtedly, But must be comprehended absolutely.[49] - 4

If I should die think only this of me that there's some corner of a foreign field that is for ever England.

Finding that balance between work and family is the hardest thing I've ever done - by far.

'Brookline' was a very small film and it was only here for a very short time and I wasn't able to catch it.

Shall I tell you what you have that other men don't?.... It's the courage of your own tenderness.

The police have no right to do what they have been doing to the protesters. Their behavior has been designed to chill the protester's constitutional rights. This judge's ruling is wonderful.

In my short stories there's a lot of focus on people successfully and not successfully responding to some sorts of discomforts or instabilities.

Woman is the unfathomable, incalculable mystery, the problem we men can never hope to solve.