My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Satan will thrash about in one last burst of evil, hoping to capture as many souls as possible before his inevitable end.

I love sports. I love animals. I love kids. I want to save the world. So how do I combine all those things? I don't know.

Bring me Longstreet's head on a platter and the war will be over

I admire people with gentle manners who treat other people as human beings.

A program whose basic thesis is, not that the system of free enterprise for profit has failed in this generation, but that it has not yet been tried!

We have to do it, so there's no point in bitching.

Words matter when you run for president. And they really matter when you are president.

National events determine our ideals, as much as our ideals determine national events.

Everything you think you're supposed to feel even, or do. When it doesn't match up with what everything that the culture is telling you to do, you feel like a failure.

Liberalism seems to be related to the distance people are from the problem.