My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Yeah, reflections! The same, but different. Like twins - like blood brothers! And when you need something bad done, like punishment or revenge, you'll just ask me, and I will do it -

Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

Every unpunished murder takes away something from the security of every man's life

Ironically, we have even fewer examples of evolutionary transitions than we had in Darwin's time.

Years of love have been forgot, In the hatred of a minute.

There's never enough money, there's never enough time, there's never enough reliable help around, anything you plan always goes wrong - it's just hard to be human, isn't it?

In the course of an individual being's evolution we will practice each of these yogas. One path is not superior to another.

We have all been beaten! Each one has to bear his misfortune! Resign yourself!

No man preaches his sermon well to others if he does not first preach it to his own heart.

Cause I want to be on 106 and Park pushing a benz