My wife went off with Elvis.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

I was just going to say it reminds me of the symbols on a family crest.”Noah stopped mid-stride, and turned very slowly. “We’re not related.”“I know, but—”“Don’t even think it.

Men—I would like to take this opportunity to extend your formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue too.

Jealousy is, I think, the worst of all faults because it makes a victim of both parties.

The objective level is not words, and cannot be reached by words alone. We must point our finger and be silent, or we will never reach this level.

Of my investments that have been realised, buying my first house turned out to be a pretty good move, which I didn't really realise at the time.

Fate is the raw materials of experience. They come uninvited and often unanticipated. Destiny is what a man does with these raw materials.

I have come to think that capital punishment should be abolished.

I think you're a little more fragile when you're younger.

You cannot add more minutes to the day, but you can utilize each one to the fullest.

Im a devotee of Dracula, which was a pathfinder in horror and vampire fiction.