My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I want we to be friends, not to follow you.I want you to stop the lies, it's not awesome.

The relentless act of invention and innovation and initiative is the best marketing asset.

[On speaking of family secrets:] I don't know how you heal a wound and not let it get some air.

Ive never supported a payroll tax.

I recently lost 50 pounds. I'm hovering on the cusp of a size eight, which seems unbelievable.

Basically, I wasn't properly socialized, so it made sense to do physics.

All animals, including humans, have a right to lives of dignity and respect, without forced intrusions.

For women who turn to welfare, Big Brother becomes Husband.

Oblivion is not to be hired: The greater part must be content to be as though they had not been, to be found in the Register of God, not in the record of man.

A frog in a well cannot conceive of the ocean.