NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. And just like New York taxis, they're all going to be driven by aliens.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

He who does not reflect his life back to God in gratitude does not know himself.

The more we construct lives that prioritize safety, the bigger the prison we construct around ourselves.

I hate when I break my own rules. What’s the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?

There is no business like show business. There is also no business like certified public accounting, but that doesn't rhyme as well.

We are going to stop radical Islamic terrorism in America. Hillary Clinton won't even mention the words, and neither will President Obama. So I just want to tell you, she wants open borders.

Jeter is a six-tool player...I've never eaten with him so I can't tell you if he has good table mannners, but I would imagine he has those too.

However hard we try to bring in the new; it comes into being only in the midst of clumsy deals.

Somewhere there is an ancient enmity between our daily life and the great work. Help me in saying it, to understand it.

I grew up in Cazenovia, N.Y. I'm the second of five children, with three sisters and a brother.

He lies like a hedgehog rolled up the wrong way, Tormenting himself with his prickles.