NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan.

At 11, I could say ‘I am sodium’ (Element 11), and now at 79, I am gold.

When it comes to raising children, I believe in give and take. I give orders and they take 'em.

Security is the denial of life

Im studying jerkoffs in the wild," Ben answered dryly. "This seemed like a good chance to view one up close.

Catholicism is the tomb of intelligence, of thought, of brain; Protestantism, the tomb of conscience, of feeling, of heart.

Every man was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

I would rather commit adultery than drink a glass of beer.

We want the air to unite the peoples, and not to divide them.

You use simple brushstrokes in a screenplay for things over which you would take much greater pains in a novel.