Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

Wise random strangers at bars are modern-day Oracles of Delphi, except drunk and sometimes leaving abruptly when it's their turn for karaoke.

Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end.

What? Quinn's one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole!

Jesus does not love any child (young or old) because the child is good. Jesus loves his children because he is good.

You were always the Harry to my Hermione, flushing away my erratic anxiety with the rudest sense of realism.

I've never been too afraid of what other people have said, especially when I was younger, but I suppose that was the arrogance of youth.

For states that support terror, it is not enough that the consequences be costly-they must be devastating

It's the company, not the cooking, that makes a meal.

It is the ability to choose which makes us human.

I think it can be quite impossible to think well of yourself, so I prefer not to think about that too much. But I am very pleased, obviously.