Nature makes the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite for sand

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Never regret anything that made you smile.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Police internal affairs is amongst the most corrupt departments that you will find in governments.

A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you mad if it happened to you.

Say what you will, 'tis better to be left than never to have been loved.

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

You couldn't trust anyone or anything that belonged to the world of espionage.

Cluster bombs are perhaps not good in themselves, but when they are dropped on identifiable concentrations of Taliban troops, they do have a heartening effect.

I've always been criticised for how filthy my material is. Victoria Wood said to me once, 'I wish I was a bit ruder, like you,' and I said, 'Well, I wish I was a bit cleaner, like you.'

Well, I grew up between Holland and Israel and then moved to France when I was eleven.

But in America, if you're an atheist, you lose.

That which is given with pride and ostentation is rather an ambition than a bounty.