Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

When you're in love you put up with things that when you're out of love you cite.

Pain, thou art not an evil

My great-great-grandfather Julius founded the Communist Party in New York.

An ancient dictum says that when Zeus wanted to destroy someone, he would first drive him mad.

Fasting stirs a hunger in your spirit that goes deeper than the temporary you experience in your flesh.

They should ask their parents if it would be all right for their son or daughter to marry a Negro.

Everything we do as a government is focused on getting help and support for hard-working Australian families. We are standing up for them.

Inside the fogs, you think better and thus you see better!

All of the great whales are endangered.

I would rather have this life of combat than the moral calm and mournful stupor of these last years. God give me struggle, enemies, howling crowds, all the combot of which I am capable.