Never eat at a Chinese restaurant named Mama Teresa's Trattoria.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

I really like it when a bad dream doesn't scare you...it inspires you instead'.

Damoder climbed slowly to his feet. 'Buy lot!' he wheedled, 'I am poor man. I sell you cheap. I am bank-Rupert! Apparently the only things that could save him from bank-rupertcy were our dollars.

A lot of people say, 'Hey, God doesn't have a sense of humor.' Yes, He does. God has a great sense of humor.

My thinking is that if we're going to take from a culture, let's take from a culture that has exemplified success for thousands of years.

Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.

The biggest pests are the people who use altruism as an alibi. What they passionately wish is to make themselves important.

There are many things you shouldn't measure. Don't, for example, try to measure how much you love your wife!

If you want to own the Sun, you must first understand candle.

If you have a very commanding argument that you cannot refute, not to accept the argument is to act irrationally.

The covetous man pines in plenty, like Tantalus up to the chin in water, and yet thirsty.