Never floss a stranger.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Tuck a buck as a puck of luck.

I have suggested that behind almost all myth lies the mono-plot of the game of hide-and-seek.

To quote copiously and well, requires taste, judgment, and erudition, a feeling for the beautiful, an appreciation of the noble, and a sense of the profound.

If you can jump up onstage and make people laugh, shouldn't you also be able to inhabit a character?

I'm always at my best when I'm fighting a guy who insults me..questions my integrity; it lights more fire in me.

I have to clear my name.

One of my favorite comedies is Three Amigos! Oh my gosh, me and my brother quote that all the time.

Faith is not the supposition that something might be true, but the assurance that someone is there.

I was the youngest of seven kids and I would not have been able to go to college without an athletic scholarship.

Parapsychology seems to be growing further away from the progress and excitement of the rest of consciousness studies.