Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Protect me from my friendsI can take care of my enemies

We should measure welfare's success by how many people leave welfare, not by how many are added.

The world of chemical reactions is like a stage, on which scene after scene is ceaselessly played. The actors on it are the elements.

Pretty girls don't have ugly mouths.

See the job, do the job, stay out of the misery.

There's still nothing like a book to really make you feel like you've disappeared into a world.

The violence of sorrow is not at the first to be striven withal; being, like a mighty beast, sooner tamed with following than overthrown by withstanding.

Let danger never turn you aside from the pursuit of honor or the service to your country ... Know that death is inevitable and the fame of virtue is immortal

Jesus was treated on the cross as if He lived our life, so by grace we could be treated as if we lived His life. Hallelujah what a Savior!

The whole is the false.