Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

We are capable of learning any art.

I aspired to be the better me of my future.

Often ill comes from the good, as good from ill.

For students today, only 10 percent of children from working-class families graduate from college by the age of 24 as compared to 58 percent of upper-middle-class and wealthy families.

Write your injuries in dust, your benefits in marble.

I think God has a plan for all of us, and even if that plan includes Hell, its still a plan.

He has personality problems beyond the dreams of analysts.

I got caught kissing my dad's ex-girlfriend - at his wedding!

In order to live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice.

Space travel is utter bilge. I don't think anybody will ever put up enough money to do such a thing. . . . It is all rather rot.