Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.

Be grown enough to do whatever you want to, but wise enough to always do the right thing.

The key of joy is disobedience.

I can still enjoy the foods I like I just eat much smaller portions now. And of course Ive had to give up that southern style way of cooking.

I never rewatch the great films of my favorite directors because I'm afraid they won't hold up.

I watch a lot of TV. That's how I spend most of my time outside of work. If I had more time, I would fill it 100 percent with watching TV.

Sometimes I have taken photographs and just felt so excited that I could barely hold the camera steady, and the photo was boring.

The television set's on while the family's sitting around having dinner or talking. Nobody's watching TV; it's there; they're aware of it, but they're not participating. That's passive.

I understand when u feel overwhelmed style is the 1st thing to go, but its also the 1st thing you can pick back up to get you back on track.

The stupid believe that to be truthful is easy; only the artist, the great artist, knows how difficult it is.