Never really intended to be a comedian, just sort of fell into that, but always wanted to be in show business, or something to do with making comedy.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

It is wonderful to live together as brothers and sisters.

I will never forget your fire. I can't wait to see what you do.

It is human, to want to feel connected with others, to strive for a sense of belonging.Yet the ultimate hack is to belong with yourself.Once you belong within, You belong with all.

Without justice there can be no love.

There is a certain age when a woman must be beautiful to be loved, and then there comes a time when she must be loved to be beautiful.

Which was why, some six hours later, Alexia Maccon's daughter was born inside the head of an octomaton in the presence of her husband, a comatose werewolf dandy, and a French inventor.

I'm not going to be responding to [Donald Trump].

Ridley Scott's 'Prometheus' is a magnificent science-fiction film, all the more intriguing because it raises questions about the origin of human life and doesn't have the answers.

Communism is trying to take the world by force. But God will take the world by love.

My answer to your question'Does the writer have a social responsibility?' is NO.You owe me ten cents, sir.