Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

I was born old and get younger every day. At present I am sixty years young.

Ladies, just a little more virginity, if you don't mind.

People are too apt to treat God as if he were a minor royalty.

Cynicism is the humor of hatred.

He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.

God is a sort of burglar. As a young man you knock him down; as an old man you try to conciliate him, because he may knock you down.

The only man who wasn't spoilt by being lionized was Daniel.

A man never knows what a fool he is until he hears himself imitated by one.

I'll have that one, please.

A committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.

Twisted twins twinkling thick as thiefs.

Beauty and folly are old companions.

Israel, as the Jewish state, must disappear from the map.

PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.

My main problem is that over and over again, I try to get all my characters to say stuff that I think is so witty or erudite you know, so that everybody will go.

Everyone wants to learn how to win, but no one wants to learn how to accept defeat.

Science fiction works best when it stimulates debate.

I couldn't do anything. I'd work in a department store for a couple of weeks, but I couldn't hack it. I couldn't even type! I had no skills whatsoever outside of show business.

What passes for news is just morbid speculation or cartoonish screaming, followed by diaper commercials.

This was a really big opportunity. This script was even mediocre. The idea was great, but Jay came on with his guys made it great and very specific. It all came together well.