Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Maybe the ultimate wound is the one that makes you miss the war you got it in.

Over time our tears will help heal the pain and soothe the hurt.

You can do very little with faith but you can do nothing without it.

A house is not a home without a cat.

The solid wealth of insurance companies and the success of those who organsie gambling are some indication of the profits to be derived from the efficient use of chance.

The ACLU is not just religiously neutral, but staunchly anti-religious. Particularly, anti-Christian.

Happy endings come in different packages

Give a pup a home and a little love and he will give you his heart forever.

Dear reader, traditional human power structures and their reign of darkness are about to be rendered obsolete.