Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

If a person loves you but doesn't respect you then it can not be a real love. It is not possible to love them without respecting them.

The conversion of a soul is the miracle of a moment, but the manufacture of a saint is the task of a lifetime.

I love cop shows and crime books and thrillers, and before I die I'm gonna play a cop.

The fathers greatest folly is that he believes he can be a much more simple person than he is; he is not really able to deal with his own complexity as a human being.

People have learned to escape Reality very well but too often lose their way back.

Mindfulness is deliberately paying full attention to what is happening around you-in your body, heart and mind. Mindfulness is awareness without criticism or judgment.

I've never tried to emulate anyone. I've never idolized people, I prefer instead to get off on attitudes.

I’m a bit of a design enthusiast, and like spending time with my girlfriend and mates.

You are not your circumstances. You are your possibilities. If you know that, you can do anything.

I can't get my wife to agree with me on everything or my kids to agree with everything.