New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

Funny, though, I don't feel too bad.

I am because my little dog knows me.

I've had 36 orthopedic operations, have two fused ankles, my knees, hands and wrists don't work, I now have a fused spine, other than that, everything is great.

I'll never forget where I'm from, never forget my roots. It doesn't matter where I live. I'm English, simple as that.

I can never consent to being dictated to.

Mandarin ducks mate for life and will die of loneliness if separated from their chosen mate.

So many of us are reaching out, hoping someone out there will grab our hands and remind us we are not as alone as we fear.

The Gospel is news of what God has done to reach us. It is not advice about what we must do to reach God.

Music is like my security blanket. The first medium that I learned was music.