New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

This investigation felt difficult, like driving in fog.

Love comes to those who believe it, and that's the way it is.

The doorway to success cannot be opened with a key, but rather a combination

Don Rumsfeld is the finest secretary of defense the nation has ever had.

Amateurs built the Ark; Professionals built the Titanic.

Zinedine Zidane could be a champion sumo wrestler. He can run like a crab or a gazelle.

Yeah, but going by that cold tone of voice, she had to wonder whether the best-laid plans of mice and vampires, blah, blah, blah...

My goal was to play in the NHL, because that is the best hockey in the world.

Whoever came up with "hold the shift key for eight seconds to turn on 'your keyboard is buggered' mode" should be shot.

I have finally perfected my signature. It took hours of practicing I decided early on just to write Pippa, not Middleton.