Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Inevitable is not the same as immediate, Sieh--and love does not mandate forgiveness.

There are always some positive things happening in your life, but you would only notice them if you take your mind off from your negative experiences and start to focus on your daily blessings.

The Constitution does not trust judges to make determinations of criminal guilt.

Where are the feasts we were promised? Where is the wine, the new wine, dying on the vine.

Waiting is a sustained effort to stay focused on God through prayer and belief.

Ideally, you should be your own hero, just as I am mine.

I have sworn to die painting.

It's still a mystery to me, but even though my mother was like an older sister to me, I kind of put her up on a pedestal.

The Lord has a plan. We always think the plans are A, B, C and D, and everything is going to be perfect for us and it may not be that way, but it's still His plan.

People hate you for 1 of 3 reasons. 1) They hate themselves 2) They want to be you 3) They see you as a threat When you love yourself you are incapable of hating anyone no matter what they've done.