Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Forgiveness wasn’t ever easy, but a feat much more manageable when you weren’t the subject of its grace. Maybe I’d always be a broken recipient of grace. And in that musing, I found rest.

The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Someday I will have to give an account of myself. How would the Father in Heaven judge me if I followed others and not Him?

We've all of us got to meet the devil alone. Temptation is a lonely business.

I guess people recognize me, but I'm not a household name. Two out of every five people who come up to me know my name. The one thing I don't want is to be followed by paparazzi.

When you fly from temptation, don't leave a forwarding address. Where there's smoke there's fire.

I had to let my ego go a long time ago.

Many badly needed goals, like fusion and cancer cure, would be achieved much sooner if we invested more.

I think the real place where most evangelicals have trouble with the Democratic Party is on the issue of abortion.