Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

It is clear that corporate America has an obligation to create a fairer, more equitable, more sustainable economy for no other reason than self-preservation.

Farscape is not what you call hard science fiction.

I lack confidence as an actor.

Pronouns are the enemy of improv.

Iraq has to be made an international, and not just a national American problem.

We are human beings, not ants.

Hip hop is kinda funny because the further you get into it the more at risk you are.

I consider my comedy to be dramatic comedy. I always wanted music underscoring the dramatic monologue. It was always drama with comedy, in my head.

Stop and sink into this timeless moment!

The wisdom of the world, while in many cases very valuable, is most valuable when it humbly bows to the wisdom of God.