Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.

I'm an armchair kind of guy, especially when it's raining, which it always is and always will be.

The outfits come and go but there is a constant that I like about the catwalk model: the snotty expression.

If you want to be happy for a short time, get drunk happy for a long time, fall in love; happy forever, take up gardening.

My eyebrows could do with a trim.

Don Quixote's 'Delusions' is an excellent read - far better than my own forthcoming travel book, 'Walking Backwards Across Tuscany.'

I see my large nose, like half an avocado. I broke it falling downstairs when I was six, and it now resembles a large blob of play-dough.

It is more interesting to be compared to someone famous, because it lets you gauge what perceptions people have about your appearance.

An uninspiring canvas becomes a glamorous masterpiece when it is reattributed to a better-known artist.

The moon puts on an elegant show, different every time in shape, colour and nuance.

Reading the play at home, however fulfilling, can never be the vivacious experience that Shakespeare intended.

You could be the smartest person on earth, but nobody will care if you can’t carry yourself the right way.

Why did adults have to be so thick? They always say 'tell the truth, ' and when you do, they don't believe you. What's the point?

The greatest happiness of the greatest number.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

If I was in a room with a bunch of skinheads talking about racism, then I would be disturbed, but after we finished a take, we were normal people again.

I'm really not an avowed heterosexual. I'm no more proud of it than of being white or tall.

Studs Lonigan, on the verge of fifteen, and wearing his first suit of long trousers, stood in the bathroom with a Sweet Caporal pasted on his mug.

I look forward to continuing to be a role model to women across the country and helping them have confidence in all they do in the ring, on the court or in the game of life!

I probably wouldn't be acting if I didn't grow up in Hollywood.

To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence, for God is love.