Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

You opposed fascism, then you ditched communism.'No, I didn’t. Communism ditched me by turning into Stalinism'.

People think computers will keep them from making mistakes. They're wrong. With computers you make mistakes faster.

Anyone willing to give up liberty in exchange for security deserves neither.

I have noticed that youngsters given to the climbing habit usually do something when they grow up

The multiplication of our kind borders on the obscene; the duty to love them, on the preposterous.

I want the people I love to get up and speak about me, and even if you cry it'll be OK. I want you to say honest things.

If you want art, don't mess about with movies. Buy a Picasso.

I think it's an important time not to Google myself.

I wasn't really aware that my father was working for quite a while. I thought it was my mother who had all the money!

I don't even know half the time what I'm nominated for.