No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

I appreciated art, long before I could produce it.

You cannot lead those who do not want to follow.

I teach that all men are mad.

How would I be doing this differently if I were WILLING to let it be easy?

I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide, I'll be better when I'm older, I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

There can never be such a thing as a free market, because it is human nature to cheat, monopolize, and buy off others so as to corner the market.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

The moment a career is on a quantitative downswing, your loathsomeness is sort of attenuated.

I don't like being alone. I haven't been alone since I got a boyfriend.

Keeping the mind happy makes work effortless. This is the skill for productivity!