No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

The fear of God is the only cure for the fear of people.

I need you to forgive me. And then perhaps I can begin to forgive myself. There is no one but you who can do that either.

History is the roadmap to a better tomorrow. Destroying it is getting rid of any chance of what not to do for future generations.

Any therapist will tell you that when you're ready, you will come out. To be outed means you weren't ready.

The interesting thing is that you don't have to know the answers - simply asking the questions and your reflection itself causes the rewiring of the brain.

Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.

It's not life that counts but the fortitude you bring into it.

True love is an act of total surrender.

I am never at picnics. The ground was not meant to be sat upon in its raw state, I feel sure, and I prefer my food without either caterpillars or drafts!

In my belief, there's one spirit. I prefer to call it the Holy Spirit. I don't think it matters if you call it God or Allah or Jesus or Fred or David or too early in the morning or whatever.