No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

People generally see what they look for and hear what they listen for, and they have a right to subject their children to it.

Whoever knows God, does not (any longer) say “God”.

The Spring I seek is in a new face only.

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.

A horse can have a job and not be a slave. He can look forward to it and enjoy it. That's the same for me.

It is thus with most of us; we are what other people say we are. We know ourselves chiefly by hearsay.

I couldn't be a cameraman or a designer or an actor - I have to be a director because I learned how to do that from my dad.

Love is love, no matter who you fall in love with, love is love, it can be painful, it can be wonderful.

The sun don't shine forever, but as long as it's here, then we might as well shine together.

Mike Huckabee says the answer to our problems is to cure all diseases. I guess no one's thought of that before.