No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Lessons from the past create hope for the future and action in the present.

Bulls do not win bull fights. People do.

Had I not made it big, my family would have told me to recheck my decision. Now that I am successful, there is no way. They have to accept it gracefully.

I cannot live under pressures from patrons, let alone paint.

I love to go to the places where things happen. I like to walk the walk and see how the light falls and what winter feels like.

Weapons of mass destruction are always in the wrong hands.

Be happy for no reason, like a child.

After 20 years in Congress, I still believe that smaller government and lower taxes are the most effective economic policies.

So that is what hell is. I would never have believed it. You remember: the fire and brimstone, the torture. Ah! the farce. There is no need for torture: Hell is other people.

What if we just acted like everything was easy?