No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Sharing a clear and concise vision spawns a sense of purpose and direction. It attracts success toward you and helps you build an expanding team.

The only person, who can influence your life is YOU and it's never too late to recognize your worth.

Theres something alluring and dangerous about him, but comforting and protective. When I think about him, my stomach knots, my heart rate quickens and...and I could go on... -Laney

When you keep seeking to improve, you will never get bored with your craft.

Matt Smith?" I said. "Really? You are not the Doctor, Bran. At your age, it is important to keep a lookout for excessive hubris.

Polls could be self-fulfilling prophecies, shaping reality as much as they described it.

There's no greater way to gain an audience's sympathy than by being unfortunate.

Shorth is better than length.

Without love and laughter there is no joy; live amid love and laughter.

Asleep in lap of legends old.