No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Joy is a loyal companion, love is a faithful friend, fear is a terrible adversary, and hatred is a merciless enemy.

Freud was not entirely honest with himself when he said, “Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise".

He was gargoyle. Tonight, his mate would learn exactly what that meant.

Going to the gym is great for your body, but it's also great for your mind.

Anything I've not experienced I do not look to for a subject. I have to feel it.

If God can get money through you, He'll get it to you!

I'm very successful, but there are 50,000 general interest books published every year. If you don't want to read mine, there are others.

I think right now in the world we're feeling like there's no solid ground beneath our feet, you know?

Drawings are only a few lines on paper. Therefore it's easy to carry around in plastic bags. Drawings are cheaper than paintings. They don't pretend they'll last forever.

The total energy of the universe is constant; the total entropy is continually increasing.